Thoughts on Historical Inaccuracies at the Movies

I remember arguing with a friend of mine about “The Scorpion King” with The Rock and its departure from factual realities (actually, she reminded me of it when I posted a rant on GetGlue about “The 13th Warrior”). My friend loves ancient Egypt, is fairly knowledgable on the subject, and has written at least one unpublished novel with that period as the backdrop. and she hated how Scorpion King took so many liberties with, and made so many errors about, that historical period. (In fact, we just had another discussion about it in the comment section of my previous blog post.)

Me, I just thought it was a fun movie, a great action vehicle for The Rock (with the hope that he’d maybe star in a Conan vehicle that would automatically be superior to Ahnold’s), plis it had a semi-nude Kelly Hu, so I didn’t understand her anger against it.

So she was quick to point out that I was being somewhat hypocritical when, as a fan of Vikings and their culture (not the purple kind from Minnesota. For one thing, those horned helmets did not exist!), I myself was ranting about “The 13th Warrior” and all its errors and inconsistencies with real Viking culture.

So I had to admit, begrudgingly, that I can see where she was coming from. (And enough time has passed that the bloom has gone off The Scorpion King and it doesn’t hold up to repeated viewings.)

So I fully admit that if you are critical of Historical inaccuracies in one instance, then you should care about it in all instances, even if it isn’t a period you’re knowledgable in. Because, essentially, Hollywood is lying to you and laughing about it as they count their money.

So we should hold their feet to the fire over accuracy in every instance. Let’s be mad as hell and not want to take it any more. (I’m not exactly sure where alternative histories fit in here, nor do I have an argument ready for that discussion. So lets just move on, shall we?)

I’ve been interested in Vikings for a while, having done quite a bit of research for a trunk novel and several unpublished stories about that era. And to be honest, I’ve loved Norse mythology since childhood, resenting how school taught Greco-Roman mythology, but snubbed every other pantheon. And lately, I’ve been immersing myself in researching swords. So that gives you an idea of my mindset and interests.

So, I thought it would be fun to watch “The 13th Warrior,” having become somewhat disappointed with the current “Vikings” program on the History Channel.

Well, it wasn’t fun. I couldn’t shut down Critical Me. And instead of enjoyment, I found myself getting angry. And anger, of course, inspires blogposts. Lucky you.

“The 13th Warrior,” if you didnt know, is based on the Michael Crichton novel, “Eaters of the Dead.” A novel that has been on my To Be Read pile for years, but keeps getting bumped by other things. It’s a historical piece that is a departure for Crichton, who is best know for his science fiction thrillers. “The 13th Warrior” was released in 1999 and current has a critic’s rating of 33% on Rotten Tomatoes.

The movie begins with some Middle Eastern Mulims, possibly near Bagdad, circa 922 AD. Antonio Banderas is a court poet who, through various misadventures, becomes involved with a band of Vikings and a lot of random violence as the Vikings return home to defend their homes from a bloodthirsty (and flesh-eating) band of invaders.

I began to notice flaws and inconsistencies almost from the very beginning. The first is Banderas is discovered with a “romantic interest” with a noble’s wife. Now why they didn’t just cut off his head or hands or penis, I have no idea. Oh, yes I do. Because then there wouldn’t have been a movie! So instead of death or dismemberment, he is exiled to be an “ambassador” to the northern barbarians.

Something else, when the Middle Eastern folk see the Viking ship they ride away in fear. Why? I thought the Vikings were trading with the Middle East. I think it was a source for some of the high quality steel that was used in the Ulthbert swords, for example, so why would they also be raping, pillaging, and plundering there? That would put off anyone they’d want to do business with, wouldn’t it? On this point I don’t know the history, so I’ll have to do some research on what the Vikings were doing in the Middle East in 900ad.

There are several flaws in this movie that I noticed before I finally gave up and watched something else.
Viking swords are one-handers. They held the sword in one hand and a buckler (shield) or an ax in the other. Now, if the sword was so blamed heavy that Antonio Banderas couldn’t use it, it would have been too heavy for a Viking to use. Generally, their swords weighed around 3 pounds, give or take several ounces.

One of the Vikings carries his sword on his back, so long it is. There is no evidence such swords ever existed among the Vikings. In fact, there is no evidence of a back scabbard ever used in Europe, the near East, or India. They are a modern invention and are inaccurate to use in this movie as well as “Braveheart.” Besides, you’d need gorilla arms to withdraw a sword from a back scabbard that had a blade longer than 20 inches.

Then Antonio found a grinding wheel and ground the hell out of the sword to make it weigh less so he could use it. Forget for a moment that grinding the hell out of steel causes it to heat, which changes the temper of the blade, making it more fragile and brittle. Not to mention the whole geometry and balance would be way off. I mean, Banderas’ character was a poet for Crom’s sake, not a smithy. But in the meantime, he has invented a curved blade. Something that didn’t exist in the Middle East at the time. Curved scimitars came centuries later.

And one of the Vikings was wearing Spanish Conquistador-like armor which also didn’t exist then and wouldn’t for another couple hundred years. Vikings used chain mail around 900 AD, when this was supposed to take place.

And I’ll forget for a moment that quality swords were expensive and thus rare among the Vikings. For instance, unread that of 100 Viking burials they found in Iceland that included a weapon, only 16 were swords.

So I’ll have to rewatch “The 13th Warrior” and pay closer attention to see if all 12 Vikings are chieftains or at least very prominent warriors. Otherwise, its very coincidental that the majority would have swords.

And speaking of valuable, Vikings held their swords in very high regard because a quality sword could mean life or death. They often valued them above their family. So for one of them to just give Banderas one goes against everything I’ve read of their culture.

So I flipped the movie off and watched something on The Military Channel about the Battle of Marathon and immediately noticed that some of the swords the Greeks were using were VIKING-era swords! Several had 5-lobed pommels. Made me wonder if they were leftover from some previous historical program about Vikings or if some sword manufacturer donated them just so they’d get some free advertising.

And I’m not even going to start a rant on the current movie sword fighting technique (made popular in Highlander) where they block blows using the EDGE of the sword! Gah. Edge to edge blows! Stop it!

Maybe I should just stick with reading. It’s less stressful.

And speaking of swords, mine should be arriving today. My first real, battle-ready sword. I’m so excited! Pictures, of course, will be posted along with a mini-review (more of a list of impressions from a novice than an actual review).

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The riddle… of steel

Thulsa Doom: Yes! You know what it is, don’t you boy? Shall I tell you? It’s the least I can do. Steel isn’t strong, boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; a beautiful girl. Come to me, my child…

[coaxes the girl to jump to her death

Thulsa Doom: That is strength, boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart, I gave you this! Such a waste. Contemplate this on the tree of woe. Crucify him!

That, of course, is from the godawful movie, “Conan the Barbarian” (1982) starring Ahnold.

I only bring it up because in the scene in the crypt where Conan finds the Atlantean sword, it merely has some sort of crust on it that Conan easily smashes off.

But stop and think about that for a moment. If you took a piece of steel, and left it sitting out for a millennia, what would happen to the metal? It would RUST, of course. Unless it was stainless steel, in which case it would make for a lousy sword. But I doubt very much they even knew how to make stainless steel back then. It was still considered an art to create quality steel of any sort.

There was no rust on the blade. Now, maybe when they entombed that ancient Atlantean king, they were nice and protected his sword for all eternity by coating the blade with some sort of prehistoric petroleum jelly or possibly bee’s wax or Carnauba wax, which might have protected it and inhibited rust, thereby causing that crust that Conan had to smash off.

Maybe, but I doubt it, only because I won’t give that movie, or anyone associated with it, any credit for intelligence.

And I only bring it up because it’s been bothering me for 31 years!

Now I’m over it.

At least that portion of it.

And yes, I do obsess about that movie. Only because I was a huge Conan and Robert E. Howard fan at the time of it’s release. I looked forward to that movie more than any movie before or since. I couldn’t wait to see Conan on the big screen. He was a great literary character. Marvel was doing an excellent job portraying him in the comics. Conan was a natural for the big screen. What could go wrong?

Everything. That’s what. My eager anticipation of the movie was matched only by my utter disappointment in the final product.

I blame that movie for killing the whole sword and sorcery genre.

Yes, I’m bitter. And ranting about it is very cathartic.

Thanks for letting me vent.

And I promise, I’ll be posting my thoughts on the third Lancer/Ace Conan, Conan the Freebooter soon.

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More thoughts on swords

Growing up, I don’t know about you, but I always felt like I didn’t belong. Not in the “I have no friends, I’m an outsider, woe is me” kind of way, but in the honest to goodness, “I think I belong in a different time period” kind of way.

Some people believe these feelings of belonging to a different time are merely remembrances of past lives, like some people think nostalgically about their youth, you’re experiencing memories of having lived somewhere in another time and another place. Whatever. I don’t have the space or inclination to discuss that here and now.

My feelings arose from reading about Conan the barbarian and other sword and sorcery tales. I wished that I had lived in those times. How exciting. How deadly. As the proverbial 98-pound weakling, I’d have lasted all of ten seconds then. Just long enough to insult someone and then be disemboweled before I could withdraw my sword.

So let’s blame those feelings on a poor sense of self and my undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, shall we?

But Even today I think about living in the past, The Migration Period where barbarians descended upon Rome. Or the Viking days of pillaging and plundering. Of knights and chivalry. Or of the Renaisance and a rapier at your side.

I’d still probably live all of 10 seconds, but it would be a glorious 10 seconds. A lifetime of living by the sword, defending your honor and manhood, dueling for pride and country — in 10 seconds.

I’m not interested in guns, but as I’ve said, I’ve had a lifelong obsession with swords. I’ve had guns in my hands and honestly, they just don’t do anything for me. But a sword in the hand quickens the pulse, excites the imagination. Swords were manly, you had to face your opponent, eye to eye, knowing that the only thing standing between you and death was that 3 foot piece of steel and your ability to wield it.

Any punk can pull a trigger. Shooting someone doesn’t make you a man. That’s because, as the saying goes, you have no skin in the game. Most shootings happen from a distance as in drive-bys. Or the other person is unarmed. Where’s the honor in that? There is none. We lost the concept of honor with the gun.

But with a sword, there were rules, rules of honor, rules of etiquette, rules of fair play, and skin in the game. You knew it wasn’t just a game, you knew the odds were equal and you were just as likely to be injured as your opponent was. There were no drive-by sword deaths. You didn’t have punks with swords stabbing people to make themselves seem like men. And there certainly were no mass murders at the hands of a single unbalanced sword-weilding individual.

I admit I have a romanticized notion of what life with a sword was like. Much of it brought on by the books I’ve read and Hollywood’s notion of what sword fighting was like. And yes, I know that much of the Errol Flynn-styled dueling is as far from real sword fighting as you can get.

But still, I have my dreams of those times, of what it must have been like, and of how I’d have fared.

So let us, for a moment, return to those days. I’d like to like to think they had a chain of armoury stores called Swords and Roebuck, and you could go in and handle all their wares, from deadly side swords and curved sabers, to straight double-edged Viking swords and massive two-handed Claymores, to beautiful swept-hilt or cup-hilt rapiers with needle sharp blades. And you’d be able to try on different leather frogs and other scabbard attachments, all the while checking yourself out in the three-way mirrors. You’d be like, “You talking to me? Are you talking to me?” then you’d whip out your blade and thrust toward the mirror with a “Yeah, I look cool” smile on your face.

You’d go up to the register. “I’ll take these.” And the cashier would ask, “You want this bagged?” And you’d say, “No, I’ll wear them out.” And she’d say, “Cash or charge?” And you’d whip out your Renaissance Express and put everything on.

Then you’d step outside, dressed to the nines in all your fancy, creaking fresh leather accoutrements, a shiny new sword at your side that you withdraw and slash it back and forth a few times, smiling as it makes the vwoot! sound slicing through the air. Then, you insult the first likely person, and he runs you through before you can even defend yourself.

Ah. Those were the days.

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Swords, no sorcery, part 4

When last we visited our hero, he was impatiently waiting for his latest eBay purchase to arrive. He had believed it was going to be nothing more than another SLO, good for nothing more than hanging on a wall. Let’s join our story, already in progress.

Yes, so if you recall from my USPS post “The saga of the wayward package,” this final sword took two weeks to arrive from the time I actually won the bid and paid for it. In eBay time, two weeks seems like an eternity, at least from my experience (and it doesn’t help to have ADHD). Most purchases I’ve won arrive within a week.

And this one was particularly frustrating because it seemed the Post Office was conspiring against me.

Finally, it did arrive and I tore open the package with reserved zeal. I was excited, but guarded. I knew not to get my hopes up that I had won an actual real antique US Cavalry sword.

So when I pulled the sabre out I was pleasantly surprised. It had heft. It was solid. It was long. The blade alone was longer than all my other wall hangers (excluding the foils). It wasn’t sharpened and I can’t tell the difference between stainless and carbon steel, but this blade had some rust spots and corrosion.

The hilt was nice and tight. The knuckle-bow (hand guard) and the backstrap (a metal piece running the length of the grip) were solid brass and the grip itself is made of leather (or a really nice imitation of it) wrapped in brass wire.

The entire sword seems of good quality to my amateurish, know-nothing eye. But seems is a dangerous thing if you’re swinging a large sharp metal blade around (ok, this isn’t sharp but it does have a point).

The sword had a small brass nut in the pommel, holding it all together. So I unscrewed it and took the sword apart. Again, to my untrained eye, the tang seems solid. It isn’t a welded on rat tail.

So maybe I lucked out and actually bought a real sword for cheap? If so, then this will become my project sword. I’ll clean up the blade, attempt to sharpen it, and maybe by the time nice weather arrives, I can go out and do some test cutting. (First, I’ll have to build a cutting stand.)

Yes, I’m not going to just assume anything. I’ve got more research to do. Take more pictures and see if someone with more knowledge can tell me something about it. I have looked online and there are some carbon steel sabers for sale for around $50. That seems awfully cheap for a “battle ready” sword considering most other sword styles of that quality go for $100 to $300. Are sabers an exception? Maybe they aren’t as popular among collectors as Europeon medieval swords or Japanese katanas and that reflects in the price.

I don’t know. And I’ll check it out before I do anything silly.

But in the meantime, I’m now excited to own what is the closest thing I have to a real sword.

I can’t wait for my tax refund to arrive because I have my eye on a few battle ready swords from real quality manufacturers.

But that’s a other post for another day.

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Swords, no sorcery, part 3

In our last episode, there I was, learning about swords and waiting for my final disappointment to arrive in the mail.

In the meantime, my oldest son, who also has an interest in bladed weapons, expressed an interest in a katana.

He is almost 18. He is mature and responsible. Ok, why not?

But this time, I’ll research it. I’ll read reviews. Compare prices. And buy an affordable, yet good quality katana — not an HSN disaster.

So after much research, I decided on a Musashi Wind Dragon. A very good sword for under $100.

When it arrived I was surprised by how a real sword feels. It has heft. It’s solid. It has good fit and finish. The blade is razor sharp and I’ve tried to explain to him it is not a toy. It’s a weapon. Act like its a loaded gun. Don’t just swing it around carelessly.

You probably think I’m being overly protective. “C’mon, Ed. It’s just a sword.”

Just a sword. True. But consider that swords were designed for one thing: to kill, to cut through flesh and bone with minimal effort. A properly sharpened sword is as dangerous as the butcher knife example I used before. It’ll cut through steaks like a hot knife through butter. And your leg or arm or any other part of you that gets in the way. And we’re talking about a katana, that if you believe the legends, is so mystically sharp it’ll cut you just looking at it. So allow me to present a video of what can happen if you don’t respect the sword. It’s somewhat graphic and the anticipation of waiting for her to injure herself is almost painful in itself.

See? So what did she do wrong? She didn’t respect the sword. She was waving it around like it was a harmless stick. But a sword isn’t a stick. If you aren’t careful, mishandling a sword could prove dangerous as the girl in the video found out. There was very little force behind that blow and it laid open her ankle. So consider that even just dropping a sword, you could lose a toe or, if it hits your leg just right, it could severe the femoral artery and you’ll be dead before help arrives.

So observe safety at all times. Swords are not toys. That cannot be emphasized enough. Treat them with the idea they can hurt you. You wouldn’t wave a loaded gun around in a crowded room, don’t wave a sword around.

Always have someone with you. That way, while you’re screaming and bleeding, they can calmly call 9-1-1.

Never handle a sword when tired or under the influence of alcohol.

Be aware of your surroundings. If you are going to test swing it in the yard, or do some cutting, make sure no pets, people, or anything else is in the vicinity.

Have a sure, dry grip. You don’t want the sword flying out of your hand into the neighbors yard. (I have read the advice of tying the sword to your wrist with a cord to prevent it from flying away like you would a Wii controller, but to me having a sword swinging around on the end of a rope at arm’s length seems pretty dangerous, too.)

Plan your swing. Don’t just wave it wildly about. Don’t just take a haphazard swipe at that water bottle. Plan it all out, visualize it. Take slow test swings, like you were lining up a putt in golf, from where you’ll start the swing to where you’ll end up. Hopefully, not in your leg.

Always have control of the sword. This goes with planning your swing. Make sure of where your start point and end point will be, but also be cognizant of the blade’s entire trajectory and that it’s always solidly in your control.

In other words, don’t let its momentum control you like some baseball players allow the bat’s centrifugal force determine where it ends up — often in the catchers head. A sword won’t just leave a bruise, it’ll slice you open.

Here’s a good safety video put out by Sword Buyers Guide.

So, there you have it. Safety first.

And my son has a real sword before I do. How fair is that?

But finally, after almost 2 weeks of waiting (I felt like a kid sending off boxtops to fabled Battle Creek, Michigan for some eagerly awaited toy), the final sword that I had purchased before knowing what I was doing, came.

And when it came, I was expecting another scale-model replica disappointment. When I extracted it from the box, I was pleasantly surprised to find …

… that the story is continued in the next segment.

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Swords, no sorcery, Part 2

Ok. So where was I?

Oh, right. I was voraciously reading about swords, after the fact. So I’d made my purchases and then realized how stupid that was.

I already own two scale-model replica swords, and now I was thinking I just ordered more off of eBay.

Keep in mind, wall-hangers still look nice, they’re inexpensive to own, they require little maintenance (stainless doesn’t rust and doesn’t require oiling), and visitors will probably be just as impressed seeing them if they have little knowledge of swords also.

However, if you ever want to take them down and pretend to be Sir Galahad, or one of the Three Musketeers, or maybe even Conan, you have to be aware that they could become a dangerous flying object if they aren’t of good quality.

I mentioned the tang in my last post and showed a video of a katana attacking a HSN salesman.

So, the things I’ve learned so far: a quality sword is made of carbon steel and it has a full tang not a welded on metal rod (although I also learned that full tang is incorrect unless the tang is actually sandwiched between two handle pieces so you can see the metal edge, like on most kitchen knives)..

And real swords, quality swords, often called “battle ready” cost money. If a deal sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If someone is selling something on eBay and they can’t answer even the most basic questions on it (who is the manufacturer, what it it made of, does it have a full tang, is it battle ready) chances are they’re selling a wall-hanger. Odds are very slim that you’ve lucked onto that rare find of a genuine antique offered by a naive seller. Things like that don’t happen. And since quality swords cost a few hundred dollars, don’t think that anyone is selling their collection for pennies on eBay. You might find a sword made by a quality manufacturer, but expect to pay for it.

So after learning more about swords, my first pre-knowledge purchase rolled in. I had picked up what had been described as Vintage Colada del Cid. Well, it was another scale-replica with a dulled blade of only 22 inches. Sure, it fits right in with the other two and really, it is kind of cool with the swept hilt (which is funny because swept hilts didn’t come into vogue until 4 or 500 years after El Cid died), but its still pretty much a wall-hanger. I’m not even sure how safe it is to swing.

Still, I’m polishing it up and it is still fun to ghost fence with. But I was disappointed it wasn’t a real sword.

So I waited for my next purchase. When it arrived I was fairly happy. These I knew weren’t battle ready swords. They were three “dueling” swords as eBay called them. But I could tell from the description they were old fencing foils with blunted ends. One is in pretty sad shape with the handle material unwrapping, but the other two look pretty nice with decorated cup hilts and a good sized foil blade. If I get some masks, maybe we can play in the back yard with them.

So that left one more sword. By now I knew not to expect much. I hadn’t paid much. All three purchases came to about $70. But this one was a tease. This is the one I wrote about a few blog posts ago that took weeks to arrive.

So now I’ll tease you in turn and tell you about that next time.

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Swords, no sorcery, part 1

From the moment I read my first Conan story by Robert E Howard, I had an interest in swords. Heck, it might have gone back to when I read “The Song of Roland” as a child.

As a teen I wanted to take up fencing, but unlike most sports, it wasn’t taught in school. Maybe it was and maybe my mom didn’t think it was a good idea. I don’t recall. I do recall that settled on other martial arts, generally of the non-weapons variety — judo, tai chi, and tae Kwon do.

Not being able to play with them in real life, I wrote fiction about them, some of it the sword and sorcery type.

But I never thought of collecting them. For one thing, where would I put them in the Navy? And it’s not a cheap hobby, as I’m finding out.

It wasn’t until I took my family to the renaissance faire that I realized, I really wanted a sword. I mentioned my desire to my wife who bought a couple off of eBay. Neither of us knew any better.

So for years I had two swords. One was a Scottish claymore style. The other, I have no idea what it is. I assumed maybe it was a Viking sword. What did I know?

Nothing as it turned out. Recently I got an ADHD bug up my ass. For those who don’t know what that is, that’s where we sufferers of that disorder suddenly become obsessed with something and dive in head first into a hobby or interest and we become consumed by whatever it is.

So I suddenly wanted more — a couple weeks ago. And I watched eBay and saw some good prices, and pulled the trigger.

And then, I started researching. I know, research should have come first, but I wanted them now! Only after I made my purchases did I discover my error.

I found a lot of good information on swords online and discovered that the swords I had were known as wall-hangers or SLOs (Sword-Like Objects) and were good for nothing more than display. And not even that in the case of the two I already had.

Aside from the fact that the swords are made of stainless steel (good for knives, not so good for swords), the two swords are actually scale models, so to speak, of the real swords.

Both have blades of about 22 inches, whereas a “battle ready” production Scottish Highland Claymore is generally a two-handed weapon with an overall length of over 55 inches and a blade length of 41 inches. Here’s an example of one over at Kult of Athena:

As you can see, that one is nothing like the one I own.

So drat it all. I just realized I’d purchased more wall-hangers because I didn’t research my topic, which is really unlike me. Sometimes I’ll spend months in the research phase just enjoying that as an end to itself. But here I jumped in head first without looking.

So what did I find out, aside from the fact that eBay offerings of swords are generally crap?

I found out that quality swords, not SLOs, are made of carbon steel — generally either 1045, 1060, or 1095, which represents the percentage of carbon within the steel. The higher the better. Stainless steel is OK for knives and blades under a foot in length, but the steel is too brittle for anything longer. Carbon offers strength and flex, something you need for a sword if your going to be doing anything other than hangin it on a wall.

Real swords have a solid tang–the part that isn’t the blade that the hilt (handle) surrounds. A quality tang is actually a continuation of the blade, slightly narrower. This is important, because some swords have what is known as a “rat tail” which is a small thin piece of metal welded onto the blade. In other words, it’s a terrifyingly weak point of the sword and if you were to actually hit something with it, it could snap off. Hell. it could snap off under forceful swinging and the blade could helicopter away from you toward who knows what or whom.

If you don’t believe me, here’s the infamous Home Shopping Network Katana Incident. Keep in mind that although my wall-hangers are not sharpened, for some reason decorative katana’s often are. Why? I don’t know, but it’s like having a 2 or 3 foot long sharpened butcher’s knife in your hand. Now imagine that blade breaking off and striking something. Now watch the video.

Think about that until I return with Part 2.

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