Posted in Uncategorized on Monday, May 20, 2013 by Ed Wyrd
The story you are about to read is true. The names were changed to protect the innocent.
This is a tale of two workers. The first worker, let’s call her Tizzy, has seniority. She has been doing her job for several years as office support for her group, we’ll call it 1. She also provided support to another group as needed when that group didn’t have a support person.
The other group, we’ll call it 2, has had a few support people pass through, using the position as a jumping off point to other career ladders after about 6 months. Tizzy put in applications for other jobs also, but never seemed to get called in.
Almost three years ago, another support person was hired for group 2. We’ll call him Fred. He had worked in support early in his career, but had moved into a career path which paid better but had a lot of lean times. In fact, this support job had saved him from a two year period of unemployment, for which he was grateful.
Fred needed training for his job, but Tizzy wasn’t asked to train him. Instead they brought in a support person from group 3 that was 20 miles away to train him. Why didn’t they simply use Tizzy? To tell you that would spoil much of the story. Let’s just say that group 2′s manager brought in an outside support person so as not to put any additional burden on Tizzy, who was already doing her work and part of Fred’s work until he could be brought up to speed. Yeah, let’s say that.
So Fred was trained. He did his job as best he could. He was willing to ask questions. But he quickly learned not to ask Tizzy. Not that Tizzy didn’t know the answers. She often did. But because after he asked her, he’d hear through his manager that Tizzy had complained to her manager that Fred was bothering her and keeping her from her own work.
Fred was astonished because he knew his questions only took a few moments of her time but Tizzy made it sound like he was taking up hours of her time. It struck him as odd that she’d be so friendly and talkative to his face but as soon as his back was turned, she’d complain that he was causing a disruption.
So he did his best not to ask her for help and tried not to talk to her at all except when absolutely necessary.
About this time, an extra project came in. Another department needed support making photocopies. The project was expected to take a few days. Fred and Tizzy were offered to assist by their managers. Fred went and helped without complaint, putting forth his best effort.
Tizzy, on the other hand, complained and grumbled about the extra work. When it was her turn to assist, Tizzy worked at a much slower pace. And her manager heard that Tizzy was’t putting in an effort anywhere near what Fred had and she asked Tizzy why and Tizzy made excuses that her part of the project was much more difficult.
Reviews came. Fred received a very good one, enough to earn a performance award. Tizzy did not and she complained it was because her manager didn’t know everything Tizzy had to do.
Whenever extra-curricular duties became available, Fred voluntarily put his name in and was soon wearing several hats in addition to his normal duties.
Tizzy only did Tizzy work.
Another support person in a different department left, leaving them without support. They asked if Fred could help from time to time, but assured him, if it became too much, he could tell them. He said yes, no problem. So he helped group 4 part time. Tizzy told Fred she would have said no if asked. She had enough of her own work to keep her busy. They didn’t pay her enough to do extra.
Several more projects came through. Fred always offered his assistance willingly. Tizzy always complained. Soon, anyone with a project would come straight to Fred and not even bother asking Tizzy.
A year after Fred was hired, the support person with group 3, who had trained him, left. Group 3 tried their best to do without a support person but soon work was over flowing. They needed support along with the entire location’s need for someone to assist on a work duty rotation.
The territory manager decided that Fred and Tizzy should take turns. Fred said no problem. Tizzy had a tizzy. She offered a ton of excuses why she couldn’t work there. So one day a week Fred drove the 20 miles to help them and then once a month he’d work there for an entire week. And Tizzy didn’t.
He did this for several months, working for group 2 and 3 and sometimes 4, and still offering assistance on extra projects, always with a good attitude and a willingness to go the extra mile. His managers would always hear about how helpful and how pleasant to work with he was.
Tizzy continued to do just her job and nothing more. And no one wanted to ask her to do more because they didn’t want to hear her complain.
Group 3′s manager was happy with his work and got together with group 2′s manager to put Fred’s name in for a manager’s award.
Reviews came and again Fred got a good one and another performance award. Tizzy received her usual mediocre review and blamed it on her manager’s unwillingness to give out good reviews.
About this time the territory support person left. There wasn’t money in the budget to replace her, so other group support people throughout the territory were asked to step up and fill in on four month shifts that included a temporary promotion and pay. Nearly all the support people had a turn — everyone except Tizzy. But maybe they just didn’t get around to her because funding for the territory support position was finally authorized.
Fred put in for it. Tizzy did too. Both their applications were forwarded to the selection team. The team narrowed it down to three best qualified people to interview. Fred was one. Tizzy was not.
Fred was offered the job promotion. Tizzy was left to complain and wonder why Fred, who she had seniority over and who she felt had nowhere near the experience or knowledge she did, got the job and she didn’t.
After nearly three years of hard work and a good attitude, Fred was promoted.
Today, Fred is the territory support person, still volunteering for extra duties. And still willingly offering support to those groups without a support person.
So I had a consult with my doctor about my ADHD. He said it was something we were supposed to do every three months because Adderal is a “controlled substance” and they’re (whoever “they” are) cracking down to prevent misuse and abuse.
We laughed because it was our first real consult since I started taking meds back in 2011.
So he asked me the usual questions, Do I feel I need them? Do I see any benefit from them? Are there any issues with them?
So I mentioned that all my life I’ve been a screw-up and I couldn’t figure out why. On the job I’d put things off, I procrastinated, I did the easier job at the expense of a harder (and probably more important) one, and because of that I’ve jumped from job to job. Some were not my fault — I’ve had several small companies fold underneath me. Others were. And I’d been fired or laid off a few times because of my “poor work ethic.”
I told him my mom had finally told me that I had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I remember going to Chicago to see a doctor. I remember being fascinated with his automatic letter opener to the point that he gave me a bunch of envelopes to open just so I wouldn’t be so distracted. He prescribed Ritalin, which was the only drug available at the time. I also remember taking those bitter white pills; my mom would hide them inside elbow macaroni so I’d swallow them.
But I guess I had a reaction to the Ritalin, and my doctor took me off it, not believing in either the disorder or the treatment, I’m not sure which. And I never found out I had the disorder until my son was diagnosed and I noticed all the similarities. That’s when I sought out my doctor’s advice. But I’ve mentioned all this before.
And I explained that since I’ve been taking Adderal, I’ve had several outstanding personnel reviews. Numerous attaboys. I go above and beyond what is required on the job, volunteer for extra-curricular duties, and I was just recently promoted. The first promotion I’ve ever ever received… ever. I can’t stress that enough. Ever.
So yes, it is helping me. But it seems to wear out too soon, a few hours before the end of the day, so my last few hours are somewhat chaotic.
We discussed a few options and decided to try two capsules a day instead of just one.
If only… Right? If only I had known I was ADHD, I wouldn’t have spent my life wondering if I was deliberately self-destructive (do you know what it is likeliving your life thinking you’re nothing but a fuck-up?). If only I had known so I could have sought out treatment as an adult–maybe I’d be successful today.
“If only” sucks. Because you can’t change the past and dwelling on it does no good except to depress you.
So you have to focus on the present, on the future, on improving day by day.
Yes, the meds are helping. Yes, I’m slowly getting my life in order. One step at a time.
I finally finished the third book in the Lancer/Ace Conan series, Conan the Freebooter. And no, it didn’t take me three months to read, although it might seem that way. Nevertheless, it does bring up an interesting remembrance that this was one of my least favorite books in the series. Not because of the stories, oddly enough, because there are some really great original Robert E. Howard Conan novelettes here. No, it was because this was one of the few non-Frank Frazetta covers and despite the adage, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover,” subconsciously then, and possibly now, I did judge it.
This cover was done by John Duillo. I knew nothing of him then and I know just as much about him today and I thought he was a nothing but a poor imitation of Frazetta. Frazetta drew bigger-than-life heroes. They were dynamic, bold, full of life, and seemed to burst from the page, splashing you with blood and sweat. Duillo didn’t..
So it’ll come as no surprise that my least favorite books in this series all turned out to have covers drawn by Duillo. Strange that I should be so influenced by art work.
Regarding the cover, one thing that irritated me about it is the fire spurting from the gorilla’s arm. Yes, I know. It’s supposed to represent the utter power and savagery of Conan’s slash that it severed the gorilla’s arm and the blood is gushing off the blade of the scimitar as it arcs upward. Well, there are two issues with that. First, where did the arm go? If the sword is still in it’s upward motion as evidenced by the shower of blood, the arm should still be somewhere in the picture, right? Second, if the gout of blood is supposed to show that the blade has just finished the slash and is at the top of it’s arc, why then is the blade reversed? That’s a single-edged scimitar and the edge, and Conan’s hands on the hilt, are facing in the wrong direction to have just completed that slash. Yes, I know, it’s a silly complaint, but it’s little details like that which turn what might have been a decent piece of art into a head scratcher. Conan is just positioned wrong.
Conan the Freebooter (1968) (by Robert E. Howard and L. Sprague de Camp)
Contents “Introduction” (L. Sprague de Camp) “Hawks over Shem” (Robert E. Howard and L. Sprague de Camp) “Black Colossus” (Robert E. Howard) “Shadows in the Moonlight” (Robert E. Howard) “The Road of the Eagles” (Robert E. Howard and L. Sprague de Camp) “A Witch Shall be Born” (Robert E. Howard)
Conan the Freebooter, published in 1968, was the seventh Lancer Conan book published, but it is considered the third book in the series. Confusing, yes. As you can see from the contents, all the stories here are all written by Howard with some heavy editing by de Camp on two of them, because they weren’t originally Conan stories. They were retrofitted to fill in the gaps of Conan’s chronological timeline as proposed by P. Schuyler Miller and Dr. John D. Clark.
It is these retrofitted stories than many Howard purists consider an abomination to Howard’s original Conan stories. They seem to forget that until L. Sprague de Camp became involved in resurrecting the Conan stories, that Howard was just another forgotten pulp writer. But the Lancer books changed that by selling millions of copies and putting our favorite Cimmerian back into the public’s eye, a place he hasn’t relinquished since.
Introduction. A brief opening essay by de Camp on Howard and how de Camp became involved with the Conan stories.
Hawks over Shem. From an original unpublished story by Robert E. Howard based in 11th Century Egypt. The story was retrofitted to become a Conan story by de Camp and was published in Fantastic Universe Science Fiction, October 1955. Reprinted in Tales of Conan, Gnome Press, 1955.
Conan becomes involved in some political dealings in the city of Asgalun, joining up with some rival generals to get his revenge upon General Othbaal. In the meantime, the city is ruled under the increasingly mad King Akhirom, who begins to believe he’s a god. Conan gets his revenge and has to flee when he is recognized as Amra, the pirate captain. Despite it not being a Conan story, this is still a decent rip-roaring action yarn by Howard.
The Black Collossus. First published in Weird Tales (June 1933). Edited and reprinted in Conan the Barbarian (Gnome Press, 1954). The Conan Chronicles Volume 1 (Sphere, 1989). The original version was first republished in Black Colossus (Grant, 1979). The Conan Chronicles Volume 1: The People of the Black Circle (Gollancz, 2000), Conan of Cimmeria: Volume One (1932-1933) (Del Rey, 2003), The Weird Writings of Robert E. Howard Volume 1 (Girasol Collectables, 2006), The Complete Chronicles of Conan (Gollancz, 2006), Valley of the Worm (Wildside Press, 2006) and Three Tales of Conan the Barbarian (Echo Library, 2007).
A thief tries to steal the treasure from the tomb of Thugra Khotan, a 3000-year dead sorceror, unwittingly awakening him and bringing about the thief’s death. The Princess Yasmela of Khojara begins to have troubled dreams of a shapeless shadow claiming she will be his queen. She seeks the help of the god Mitra. The oracle tells her to go into the streets and put her kingdom in the trust of the first man she meets. Who does she meet? Conan. So he becomes her general and with his aid. he faces the vast army amassed by Thugra Khotan. There is some fine battle strategy written by Howard here.
Shadows in the Moonlight. First published in Weird Tales (April 1934) as “Iron Shadows in the Moonlight.” Reprinted in Conan the Barbarian (Gnome Press, 1954). The Conan Chronicles Volume 1: The People of the Black Circle (Gollancz, 2000) and Conan of Cimmeria: Volume One (1932-1933) (Del Rey, 2003). It was adapted by Roy Thomas, John Buscema, and Alfredo Alcala in Savage Sword of Conan #4 in 1974. And again by Tim Truman and Tomas Giorello in Conan the Cimmerian #22-25 in 2010.
The novelette begins with a woman fleeing captivity, pursued by Shah Amurath, a Hyrkanian who was her former master. Just as he catches her, a figure rises from the reeds near the edge of the Vilayet Sea and cuts him down. It’s Conan. Conan and Olivia flee Shah Amaurath’s men by taking a small boat to an island. On the island, they find an ancient ruins filled with statues. They spend the night there and Olivia has dreams that the statues come to life. To appease her, Conan agrees to leave, but they find their boat smashed. IN the meantime, pirates land on the island and Conan challenges their captain, He wins but is knocked unconscious by a rock as the pirate crew is divided on what to do with him.
The pirates spend the night in the ruins. Olivia sneaks in and frees Conan and they sneak out just in time, because the statues do come alive and slay many of the pirates. Conan, however, is attacked by a giant ape (thus the cover art), which he manages to slay. The pirates escaping the statues try to return to their ship, but they find Conan on deck and he challenges them again. They agree to let him be their captain.
The Road of the Eagles. This is another unpublished non-Conan story retrofitted by de Camp. It was originally set in the 16th Turkish Empire. First published in Fantastic Universe (December 1955) with the title, “Conan, Man of Destiny.” Reprinted in Tales of Conan (Gnome Press, 1955) but with Howard’s original title, “The Road of the Eagles.” The original story, renamed “The Way of the Swords,” was published in The Road of Azrael (Donald M. Grant, 1979).
Conan and his pirates end up on shore after an encounter with General Artaban of Shapur nearly scuttles their ship. They end up lost in some canyons and are found by the sole survivor of a tribe the Hyrkanians have wiped out. He leads Conan through a secret trail that comes out behind a waterfall. There’s a story line involving Hyrkanians, Turanians, a castle, and of a kidnapped prince, and her lover, who is trying to save him; they both die in a Romeo and Juliette type scene, Conan kills Artaban and a canyon filled with zombies attacks the pirate crew, who escape on the ship, leaving Conan behind. Conan feels it’s just as well. He wants to wander some more. It’s not a bad story, despite the retrofit, I just wonder how the original reads.
A Witch Shall Be Born. Weird Tales (December 1934). Reprinted Avon Fantasy Reader #10, 1949. It was the cover story in both publications. Howard completed the story in a few days in only two drafts because Weird Tales’ editor, Farnsworth Wright was demanding another Conan story due to the barbarian’s popularity. A de Camp edited version appeared in Conan the Barbarian (Gnome Press, 1954). It was first published in book form as A Witch Shall be Born, by Donald M. Grant, Publisher, Inc. in 1974. It has been reprinted in The Conan Chronicles Volume 1: The People of the Black Circle (Gollancz, 2000), The Bloody Crown of Conan (Del Rey, 2005), and as part of the Penguin Modern Classics collection Heroes in the Wind (Penguin Books, 2009).
This story is a classic. Taramis, queen of Khauran, is surprised to discover she has a lookalike sister, Salome. Salome had been born with the royal curse, the mark of the witch, and was left in the desert to die. But she didn’t die. Instead she had plotted against her sister. Outside the city gates Shemitish mercenaries under the command of Constantius are camped. Salome takes the queen and puts her in the deepest dungeon, brings in Constantius and his mercenaries, telling the people they will now form Khauran’s army and the other soldiers are told to disarm and disband. Conan happens to be the Captain of the guards and approaches Salome and realizes the hoax being perpetrated. He and his men try to fight but they are unprepared for battle against heavily armored mercenaries. Conan is taken alive and Constantius takes him out into the desert, crucifies him, and leaves him to die.
The crucifiction scene has some great writing that shows the stuff of which Conan is made.
“By the side of the caravan road a heavy cross had been planted, and in this grim tree a man hung, nailed there by iron spikes through his hands and feet. Makes but for a loincloth, the man was almost a giant in stature, and his muscles stood in thick corded ridges on limbs and body, which the sun had long ago burned brown. The perspiration of agony headed his face and his mighty breast, but from under the tangled black mane that fell over his low, broad forehead, his blue eyes blazed with an unquenched fire. Blod oozed sluggishly from the lacerations in his hands and feet.”
Conan attempts to rip the nails loose and failing that, attempts to tear his hands free. That too proves futile. So he stoically hangs there, suffering from thirst, and waits for the vultures to circle down and begin feasting upon his still living flesh, until…
“In his dulled ears sounded the louder beat of wings. Lifting his head he watched with the burning glare of a wolf the shadows wheeling above him. He knew that his shouts would frighten them away no longer. One dipped–dipped–lower and lower. Conan drew his head back as far as he could, waiting with terrible patience. The vulture swept in with a swift roar of wings. Its beak flashed down, ripping the skin on Conan’s chin as he jerked his head aside; then, before the bird could flash away, Conan’s head lunged forward on his mighty neck muscles, and his teeth, snapping like those of a wolf, locked on the bare, wattled neck.
“Instantly, the vulture exploded into a squawking, flapping hysteria. Its thrashing wings blinded the man, and its talons ripped his chest. But grimly he him on, the muscles starting out in lumps on his jaws. And the scavenger’s neck-bones crunched between those powerful teeth. With a spasmodic flutter the bird him limp. Conan let go, spat blood from his mouth. The other vultures, terrified by the fate of their companion, were in full flight to a distant tree, where they perched like black demons in conclave.
“Ferocious triumph surged through Conan’s number brain. Life beat strongly and savagely through his veins. He could still deal death; he still lived. Every twinge of sensation, even of agony, was a negation of death.”
Howard affirms just how powerful and alive Conan is. Nailed to a cross in the hot desert sun he doesn’t succumb, as a weak, soft civilized man would. Instead he triumphs.
This scene was used in Conan the Barbarian (1982), with the usual bad results. Instead of being nailed to a cross, Ahnold is simply tied to the Tree of Woe. (Whoa!) Compared to the vigor of the literary Conan, Ahnold is passive. At least they got the scene with the vulture right, but again, instead of being exultant over defeating the vulture, Ahnold merely sags.
And there you have it, Conan the Freebooter.
Next up, Conan the Wanderer, also with cover art by John Duillo. I’ll try to get to it sooner.
Andrew Jefferson Offutt (August 16, 1934 to April 30, 2013)
Andrew J Offutt passed away yesterday, April 30, 2013, and sadly, his death seems to have gone relatively unnoticed.
Outside of Wikipedia adding his date of death and a small obit on the Locus website, if you do a search you’ll get very few indications that he passed. In fact, a search for “Andrew J Offutt obit” brings up another “Andy” Offutt, no relation, who passed away April 9th.
Which makes me sad. Maybe he wasn’t among Fiction’s Giants, maybe he didn’t have the name recognition of a Ray Bradbury, but Offutt had as much influence upon my life, both as a reader and a writer, as many other more heralded authors did.
Offutt was an author and editor in the science fiction and fantasy genres. He began his writing career winning a young writers or college writers writing contest in 1954 (I read this somewhere but can’t just now verify this), and the story”And Gone Tomorrow” was published in “If” magazine. Despite that, he didnt make his first professional sale with the short story “Blacksword,” until 1959 to Galaxy magazine. His first novel under his own name (he had at least two pseudonyms, J X Williams and John Cleve), “Evil is Live Spelled Backwards” was published in 1970.
He became a major player in the sword and sorcery genre shortly thereafter, which is when he came to my attention. In the 1970s, I devoured sword and sorcery. Anything by or related to Robert E Howard and his creations interested me, along with anything similar to Edgar Rice Burroughs and his sword and planet adventures.
That’s about when AJO arrived. I don’t believe he ever created a Conan-like barbarian as many of his peers did (e.g. Lin Carter’s Thongar, John Jakes’ Brak), but he was still very involved in writing pastiches of REH’a Cormac Mac Art and Conan. He also wrote what I thought was a memorable erotic parody of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Barsoom series with “Ardor on Aros.” A novel I have been trying to find to replace my now time-lost copy.
But his greatest contribution might have been as editor for a top notch sword and sorcery anthology series, “Swords Against Darkness.” It consisted of five volumes of which I currently own the first two.
Seems I have a lot of eBay searching to do to restock my paltry collection of AJO paperbacks that I once owned but sadly today do not.
Offutt’s writing came out at a time when I was becoming an avid reader and an awkward writer. He impacted my formation as a writer within the fantasy genre positively. I owe him a debt of gratitude.
It has occurred to me that maybe I’m not having phone issues so much as planned obsolescence issues.
My Samsung Galaxy S was a great phone for well over a year but then started acting up toward the end of my contract. Since it was having so many issues, I started thinking Android phones were crap so I switched to the iPhone.
Well, for over a year my iPhone 4s was da bomb. Now that its contract end is nearing, it too is starting to act up.
I suspect now that the issue might not be with the phones, the hardware, but with the service provider, my cellphone carrier, Verizon Wireless.
It is quite possible, in a paranoid sort of way, that Verizon, in their desire for me to upgrade and lock me into another 2 year plan, is purposely making my phones misbehave. Maybe they’re constricting my data stream. Or even outright denying service. That would explain why I can’t make calls or even get a signal until I have to restart the phone. Right?
Maybe I should switch CARRIERS instead of phones. Since we already have AT&T Uverse for cable television and Internet, maybe they could offer us a cell phone bundle.
I think I’ll look into it and migrate each of our phones to AT&T as their contracts all expire and thereby avoid cancelation penalties.
Or maybe Sprint. We had them in the late 90s and they sucked (or it could have been the shitty free phone we got), and I see they offer the Samsung Galaxy S III for free instead of the $100 or $200 AT&T and Verizon charge. I see from one review that (and this surprises me) that they have better coverage than either Verizon or AT&T but it looks like they charge more. Almost $200 more for a similar 4G share plan! And they charge nearly twice what those two charge for each additional smartphone.
What other carriers are there? T-Mobile? Thats the 4th largest carrier. US Cellular is the 6th largest.
Too bad Cingular got absorbed. I really liked them. (And that was a really convoluted history. Cingular bought AT&T Wireless, but somehow AT&T itself owned 60% of Cingular and BellSouth owned 40% so when AT&T bought BellSouth, they owned all of Cingular and rebranded it AT&T and all the while SBC Communications had bought and absorbed AT&T then rebranded all SBC stuff AT&T. Got it? Neither do I.)
And then there’s CREDO mobile, a progressive activist company that helps battle the evil Right-wingers while supporting progressive causes (and they’ll help pay for your cancelation penalties). They use Sprint’s network, but have a different price plan.
I remember arguing with a friend of mine about “The Scorpion King” with The Rock and its departure from factual realities (actually, she reminded me of it when I posted a rant on GetGlue about “The 13th Warrior”). My friend loves ancient Egypt, is fairly knowledgable on the subject, and has written at least one unpublished novel with that period as the backdrop. and she hated how Scorpion King took so many liberties with, and made so many errors about, that historical period. (In fact, we just had another discussion about it in the comment section of my previous blog post.)
Me, I just thought it was a fun movie, a great action vehicle for The Rock (with the hope that he’d maybe star in a Conan vehicle that would automatically be superior to Ahnold’s), plis it had a semi-nude Kelly Hu, so I didn’t understand her anger against it.
So she was quick to point out that I was being somewhat hypocritical when, as a fan of Vikings and their culture (not the purple kind from Minnesota. For one thing, those horned helmets did not exist!), I myself was ranting about “The 13th Warrior” and all its errors and inconsistencies with real Viking culture.
So I had to admit, begrudgingly, that I can see where she was coming from. (And enough time has passed that the bloom has gone off The Scorpion King and it doesn’t hold up to repeated viewings.)
So I fully admit that if you are critical of Historical inaccuracies in one instance, then you should care about it in all instances, even if it isn’t a period you’re knowledgable in. Because, essentially, Hollywood is lying to you and laughing about it as they count their money.
So we should hold their feet to the fire over accuracy in every instance. Let’s be mad as hell and not want to take it any more. (I’m not exactly sure where alternative histories fit in here, nor do I have an argument ready for that discussion. So lets just move on, shall we?)
I’ve been interested in Vikings for a while, having done quite a bit of research for a trunk novel and several unpublished stories about that era. And to be honest, I’ve loved Norse mythology since childhood, resenting how school taught Greco-Roman mythology, but snubbed every other pantheon. And lately, I’ve been immersing myself in researching swords. So that gives you an idea of my mindset and interests.
So, I thought it would be fun to watch “The 13th Warrior,” having become somewhat disappointed with the current “Vikings” program on the History Channel.
Well, it wasn’t fun. I couldn’t shut down Critical Me. And instead of enjoyment, I found myself getting angry. And anger, of course, inspires blogposts. Lucky you.
“The 13th Warrior,” if you didnt know, is based on the Michael Crichton novel, “Eaters of the Dead.” A novel that has been on my To Be Read pile for years, but keeps getting bumped by other things. It’s a historical piece that is a departure for Crichton, who is best know for his science fiction thrillers. “The 13th Warrior” was released in 1999 and current has a critic’s rating of 33% on Rotten Tomatoes.
The movie begins with some Middle Eastern Mulims, possibly near Bagdad, circa 922 AD. Antonio Banderas is a court poet who, through various misadventures, becomes involved with a band of Vikings and a lot of random violence as the Vikings return home to defend their homes from a bloodthirsty (and flesh-eating) band of invaders.
I began to notice flaws and inconsistencies almost from the very beginning. The first is Banderas is discovered with a “romantic interest” with a noble’s wife. Now why they didn’t just cut off his head or hands or penis, I have no idea. Oh, yes I do. Because then there wouldn’t have been a movie! So instead of death or dismemberment, he is exiled to be an “ambassador” to the northern barbarians.
Something else, when the Middle Eastern folk see the Viking ship they ride away in fear. Why? I thought the Vikings were trading with the Middle East. I think it was a source for some of the high quality steel that was used in the Ulthbert swords, for example, so why would they also be raping, pillaging, and plundering there? That would put off anyone they’d want to do business with, wouldn’t it? On this point I don’t know the history, so I’ll have to do some research on what the Vikings were doing in the Middle East in 900ad.
There are several flaws in this movie that I noticed before I finally gave up and watched something else.
Viking swords are one-handers. They held the sword in one hand and a buckler (shield) or an ax in the other. Now, if the sword was so blamed heavy that Antonio Banderas couldn’t use it, it would have been too heavy for a Viking to use. Generally, their swords weighed around 3 pounds, give or take several ounces.
One of the Vikings carries his sword on his back, so long it is. There is no evidence such swords ever existed among the Vikings. In fact, there is no evidence of a back scabbard ever used in Europe, the near East, or India. They are a modern invention and are inaccurate to use in this movie as well as “Braveheart.” Besides, you’d need gorilla arms to withdraw a sword from a back scabbard that had a blade longer than 20 inches.
Then Antonio found a grinding wheel and ground the hell out of the sword to make it weigh less so he could use it. Forget for a moment that grinding the hell out of steel causes it to heat, which changes the temper of the blade, making it more fragile and brittle. Not to mention the whole geometry and balance would be way off. I mean, Banderas’ character was a poet for Crom’s sake, not a smithy. But in the meantime, he has invented a curved blade. Something that didn’t exist in the Middle East at the time. Curved scimitars came centuries later.
And one of the Vikings was wearing Spanish Conquistador-like armor which also didn’t exist then and wouldn’t for another couple hundred years. Vikings used chain mail around 900 AD, when this was supposed to take place.
And I’ll forget for a moment that quality swords were expensive and thus rare among the Vikings. For instance, unread that of 100 Viking burials they found in Iceland that included a weapon, only 16 were swords.
So I’ll have to rewatch “The 13th Warrior” and pay closer attention to see if all 12 Vikings are chieftains or at least very prominent warriors. Otherwise, its very coincidental that the majority would have swords.
And speaking of valuable, Vikings held their swords in very high regard because a quality sword could mean life or death. They often valued them above their family. So for one of them to just give Banderas one goes against everything I’ve read of their culture.
So I flipped the movie off and watched something on The Military Channel about the Battle of Marathon and immediately noticed that some of the swords the Greeks were using were VIKING-era swords! Several had 5-lobed pommels. Made me wonder if they were leftover from some previous historical program about Vikings or if some sword manufacturer donated them just so they’d get some free advertising.
And I’m not even going to start a rant on the current movie sword fighting technique (made popular in Highlander) where they block blows using the EDGE of the sword! Gah. Edge to edge blows! Stop it!
Maybe I should just stick with reading. It’s less stressful.
And speaking of swords, mine should be arriving today. My first real, battle-ready sword. I’m so excited! Pictures, of course, will be posted along with a mini-review (more of a list of impressions from a novice than an actual review).
I was at the Verizon store the other day just browsing. I’ve been thinking of changing my phone. I currently have an iPhone 4S, which I do enjoy and with which I have hardly any issues with. I have to hand it to Apple in that regard. Having everything proprietary is a good business model if your goal is reliability.
My first smartphone was an Android phone, a Samsung Galaxy S. when I first got it, I was amazed. Everything was fast and responsive. But as the months went by, little things started to happen. The phone would freeze up or it wouldn’t make phone calls and I’d have to not only shut it down, but pull the battery as well.
I took it in and the tech explained that some apps can cause that but they couldn’t pinpoint which ones. So the best fix was to reset back to the factory settings and start from scratch. Download an app, make sure it works by running it through its paces, then download the next one. He made it sound like this was a time-intensive task, not something that would take a few minutes, but probably days as you ensured each app functioned well within the OS. However, even if all those apps did work flawlessly when I first downloaded them, anyone of them could go wonky when the OS is updated. And if the phone started acting up, I’d have to start all over from a clean slate again.
Sorry, but that seems like a really shitty way of running things and I have better things to do then constantly flush my Android phone.
So I went to the dark side and picked up an iPhone. I, a confirmed Apple h8er. And I’ve had it for a year and a half with virtually no problems. As I said, since only Apple makes the hardware and the iOS and only Apple approves and stringently tests which apps get to be out in the market, this makes for a very stable system. Which I really do like.
But now we come to what I really don’t like. The teeny tiny screen. It’s something like 3×2 inches and because of that I find my eyes starting to blur after continuous use. Burning, itching eyes I do not find pleasant. So I’d like a larger screen and as far as I’m concerned Apple dropped the ball when they updated the iPhone 5. The phone is the same width and maybe a little taller. Not sure what the new screen size is, but I’ve played with it and there really isn’t much of a difference when you’re suffering eye strain issues. Yes, I’m going to see my eye doctor this Saturday, but I’d really like a bigger screen and not Coke bottle thick prescription lenses. Besides, that doesn’t really solve my fat thumbs on their tiny virtual keyboard issue. now does it? As someone who hates typos, I want a larger keyboard, too. And I won’t get that with an iPhone 5 that is the same width as my phone. The problem isn’t the horizontal distance between keys but the vertical distance between the rows. And that hasn’t changed.
So I’m looking at a new phone. Androids, supposedly, have improved a lot in nearly 2 years and some sources say their OS surpasses iOS in various ways. Plus, they have these phablets or whatever they’re calling these new devices that are a cross in size between a large smartphone and a small tablet.
In an age when Mankind has tried furiously to miniaturize everything (I had heard in Europe, cellphones had reached postage stamp size before the smartphone craze hit), phablets seem a step in the other direction.
So I’m looking at a few of the phablets, like the Samsung Note and the industry’s current competitive response with a wave of larger smartphones. They all seem to do the job: provide an easier to see screen and a larger virtual keyboard.
But then I played with a Windows 8 phone. I’ve been leery of Windows phones because, well, its Windows. They are the antithesis of Apple. Whereas everything Apple works well together and you can always expect predictable high performance between hardware and software, with Windows nothing is predictable and nothing is perfectly compatible. I have spent literally years of my life troubleshooting Windows related problems. Why won’t this print? Why can’t I see the network? Where’s my email? And so on and so forth.
In this day and age we shouldn’t have to put up with such unreliable shit. And yet we do. Complaining all the while.
So does it make sense for me to even consider a Windows phone? No. Especially when Windows 8, which is on my oldest son’s recent laptop acquisition completely baffled me to tears as I tried to set it up for him. I finally gave up and just told him he had to figure it out.
So why a Windows phone? I don’t know, but the little bit I played with it they seemed very responsive and the layout seemed clean. Plus, Nokia has a Windows phone and I’ve always heard good things about Nokia but Verizon hasn’t carried them in ages. Granted they aren’t phablets but they’re still comfortably larger than my itsy bitsy teeny weeny iPhone screen.
So I’ll be researching those phones as well as Android. I’ve already run across Windows reviews by h8ers, who just rip on the phones without any real justification.
One small issue is its voice recognition capability is primitive when compared to SIRI and what Android offer. Fine. I rarely use Siri anyway. It’s more of a novelty for me. I can live without it.
And then there are the strange reviewers who complain about a lack of apps — then mention Spotify and Instagram as examples. Wait, do people still use Instagram? Really? And I tried Spotify, but couldn’t figure out why I needed it.
As long as it has Evernote I’ll be happy.
So feel free to let me know what smartphone you use, if you’re happy with it, and why. I’m curious and I’ll add it to my pros and cons.
